And the answer is no

The doctor said that i would need to stop taking prozac for 4 days before i could begin to take the efexor. I had a few days to deliberate and decide about whether I whether i’m ready to commit.

I was pretty keen to give it a shot.  Just because prozac hadn’t worked perfectly, something else has got to work right? i can just keep changing until i find something that works right?

C sat me down and gave me a fairly accurate reality check.  She didn’t like the idea, knowing the potential side effects.  She didn’t want me to stay the way i was. She loved me before, even if i a was a little bit volatile.

She had very valid points.

For the first time, i was beginning to see exactly what this is about.  By trying to change so many things about myself, it had completely changed the dynamic of our relationship for the worse.  Worse than it was before.

So much to think about.

Monday i was due to start taking the efexor, that was 10 days ago.  I didn’t even get the script filled.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

When i first started taking antidepressants, i honestly thought that i would be a fairly easy thing to do. I’m an average kind of person. I’m not allergic to anything, medication works the way it should generally with no side effects .  I take a drug to fix a symptom, symptom goes away.  That’s how it works. I can’t recall i time where the first treatment hasn’t worked.

So when the prozac treats the symptoms, but changes my personality, this creates issues.

Do I stop altogether? Do I change medication? Do i stick with what I’m on?

This is nothing short of a bastard of a decision.  There has been enormous changes in my circumstances, even over the past week, and the decision to medicate isn’t as easy as it was 4 months ago.

If i change medication, I’m locked in.  It’s a simple as that.  Efexor is much harder to come off. Once i’m taking it, whether it’s working or not, i can’t just stop.  If i find it doesn’t have a different effect, i have to take a reduced dose until i can change.  And when i do change, from all accounts, it will put me through hell.

Is this something that i want to commit to?

I’ve changed so much in my life in 4 months.  I quit my job and found a new one. The new job is unbelievable.  I’m at uni studying something i enjoy. I’m not living in the same house, and i drink a lot less, and I treat my body well.

Do i really need to have my thoughts and emotion tempered? The medication stopped me from destroying my relationship, but it’s changed me as a person and I’m no longer the person C fell in love with.

So what do i do? Do i take something knowing that it will probably produce the same results but present new issues?

Or just fuck everything off and take my chances?

So do i rename this to the Efexor Diary?

(This will be national blog posting week, there’s lots to get through)

Short answer: No, i don’t have to rename it to the efexor diary.  After my recent problems with prozac, and feeling decidedly too grey/warm/fuzzy about everything, i booked into the doctor.  A few people had told me that if things weren’t working for, it may just be that the medication isn’t suited for you, and changing may yield different results. It was all down to the individual.

Typically, i had a different doctor again, with whom i needed to explain all the symptoms.  I have little patience at the best of times, but she was already 40 mins late, and i’d been sitting down for nearly 45 minutes.  I explained how i had been feeling.  I feel guilty actually, I’m complaining about feeling “Okay”, when some people would love to feel as good as i do even half the time. Dealing with depression is a shit part of life, why should i be let off so easily?

The result, I can change medication, I have a script for efexor.

But i haven’t filled it yet…

How do you deal with being “good”?

I’d never thought that i’d have an issue with being “good”.

“How are you Rich?”

“Yeah, good.  I guess.”

But it’s deeper than that.  I don’t have an issue with being good.  But what do you do when being good is the normalisation between hypomania and depression? My “good” is a replacement for everything between

I feel like i’ve lost my spark. I still function day to day, as i did before Prozac.  My moods have calmed, and everything is pleasant.  But pleasant sucks.  Pleasant is fucking boring.  I feel my life and feelings are diluted.

Ironically, being good is ruining some of the best things in my life.